Fresh Start and a New Year

Wow, I was busy last semester. It's so nice to be able to breathe for a minute...even if it is just a minute. As I'm sure you have all heard, I missed my flight going home for Christmas. I got proud and thought I could stay up all night packing, sleep for 2 hours, and wake up in time for my 6:50 flight. That didn't quite happen. I didn't wake up until 6:40 and the airport was still 20 minutes away. I called my mom with tears thinking that I had massively messed up. I knew that it would probably cost me a fortune to get a new flight and I did not have the money for that. As my mom called the airline on my behalf, I frantically through my things together and headed out the door. While driving, I made up my mind that I would just stay in St. Louis by myself for the holidays rather than have my mom spend her money on my mistakes. I realized that she would pay any price for me to be able to come home and that I could not let her do. But then it hit me on a spiritual level. Can you make the connection? Yep that's right...the atonement finally clicked for me. Don't you just love it that Heavenly Father teaches us in a way that we can understand? In the end, I made the next flight for free thanks to an understanding rep from Southwest Airlines. But the lesson I learned that day was the most precious Christmas gift I could have gotten.

By the way, life is good. Big things are happening so stay tuned!

Tests, Tests, and more Tests

As I am heading into midterms, I have realized that personal responsibility is a huge aspect of college life. Teachers expect us to be self-motivated and to be prepared for what they throw at us. As much as they want us to pass the test, the student is the only one that actually has the ability to make that happen. In the same regard, life drops struggles off at our doorstep and we are expected to be prepared for them. We are expected to be prepared. I don't think I need to elaborate on that because it is ingrained by our family, mentors, Sunday school teachers, church leaders, etc. We know what we need to do to be prepared for life's challenges, it is up to us to do them.

I haven't had the best attitude about all these tests I have had to deal with in college. I feel like I am spending all my time preparing for the next test. I've found myself complaining a lot this week because I have spent so much time studying that I hardly have time for anything else. I just recently had an "ah ha" moment and thought about the purpose of a test. A test is given to help us learn. We learn as we study and prepare; we learn about ourselves as we take the test and how to prepare better next time; we also learn that we will get out of a test just as much as we put into it. I've tried to really absorb this idea into my mind so that I can have a positive attitude about midterms this coming week. I am in college to learn and ready myself for a future career. No one is forcing me to be there, I chose to go to college to better myself. Remember, we chose these life tests as well. Believe it or not, we all wanted them.

We are supposed to welcome these trials with open arms and a positive attitude. If we have confidence in ourselves and the preparation that we have made, we can pass any test that is thrown our way. Teachers are not going to give a test that can't be passed(at least we hope) so why would we expect any different from life. One of the greatest things that teachers try to tell us is to have a positive attitude that we can succeed. I took a test yesterday and the teacher wrote this on the board:

"Words of Encouragement - I passed the test!"

She wanted us to believe in ourselves and all the preparation we had made prior to the test. I smiled and realized that our attitude makes all the difference. And guess what? The test seemed a whole lot easier after that. Our instinct is to want to associate negative thoughts with trials and challenges and changing our mindset is hard, believe me, I know. I was once told that if I could achieve this paradigm shift with the way I look at certain things, then life would not necessarily be easier, but it would seem that way and I would be much happier in the process. I saw a quote today and I found it helpful:

"It's not what you look at that matters, it's what you see." - Henry David Thoreau

Life is about being prepared for the burdens that will surely come, having a positive attitude when they arrive, and learning something in the process.

Where I Needed to Be

At last minute I decided to join a group of girls that was heading to Nauvoo, Illinois for a YSA Conference this past weekend. I was scared, timid, and absolutely unsure of what I was getting myself into. The moment I sighted the temple, all of my fears were erased. I could feel the spirit of such rich and wonderdul history that surrounds Nauvoo. I felt like these past few years of my life had guided me to that exact moment of amazment when I stood in front of the temple. Wow, just wow. It was as if someone knocked the wind out me, everything just made sense.

Our group of 4 women bonded extremely quickly and we found out that we all shared common ground and we could all relate. And let me tell you, we had an extreme amount of fun. We danced(or should I say suffled?) everywhere we went, we swam in pool while firemen were activiely searching the hotel for the source of a potential fire, we made the exodus to wal-mart to grab food, we made an "amanda taco", and the list goes on.

The actual conference consisted of a dance each night(that was culture shock lol), 3 workshops in the morning, freetime during which we went to Carthage Jail(best decision ever), and sacrament meeting in the morning. I learned so much and I feel like I can't even write it all down because it was just so incredible. The best way to describe my weekend is to say that the spirit was present and because of that, I was able to learn what I needed to learn.

Here are some fav pics from our temple photo shoot in the rain lol

And for all of you who actually read this in my family, I have already made the decision to go back next year. I would like to go as a family so that we can all go in the temple together. This is a really big deal for me and I'm treating it that way. So I'm going to do what I need to do to get there and so should you. Be there  September 2012 or be square jk, I'd still love you if you couldn't make it.

Failed, but it was Awesome!

Last week I had a day that I just couldn't get anything right. I couldn't come up with an acceptable topic for my research paper, I didn't understand the reading in my theology class, etc. To make matters worse, that night I went and auditioned for the hip hop team. For those of you who know me, dance is probably my favorite thing in the world. I'm not the best dancer, but I can usually pick up choreography pretty easily. I was kind of looking forward the the auditions because I figured it would cheer me up and make me feel like I was at least good at something...but no...failed that too. It was bad. When it came time to be recorded...yes actually recorded on camera...I froze. I could see the other girls in my group but I could not move. After it was over, I just smiled and walked out. I was horrified at the situation. Not only did I mess up, but they had it on tape(can anyone say youtube's funniest videos?). But when I got home that night I just started laughing. I laughed so hard because I realized the world didn't end because of my failure. It was ok that I had an off day, it was ok that I wasn't the best at everything, in fact, it's ok to downright be the worst at something. I really needed this lesson in humility and surprisingly I am grateful for my failure. What I learned...just laugh it off.

Family and Friends

Four years ago on this day, I made the most difficult decision of my life. One that changed the outcome of my life forever. Today I have been thinking back to the person that I was back then and all the challenges I had to overcome to be able to make such a decision. I know that none of it would have been possible without the love and support of my family and friends.

I remember setting foot in Kentucky and being emotionally lost and afraid of what laid ahead. I arrived during a storm and I'm sure that didn't help settle any fears. Not sure what I would encounter, I was hesitant to leave my aunt's house. If it had not been for my Aunt, I probably would have stayed in bed during the duration of my stay in Kentucky. One night she actually arranged for me to out to the movies with some people from church that were my age. I had a blast that night and the people I went with welcomed me with open arms. I never once felt out of place or that I didn't belong. I am so lucky to have such amazing and wonderful people in my life. I think back to those times and I smile(it took me a long time to get to this point).  Thank you to all you Kentuckians for making that part of my life bearable so that today, those aren't sad memories, they are ones of love, bonding, and friendship.

I am so grateful to everyone who had a hand in helping me to where I am today. Angel, thanks for making me talk. Mom and Dad, thanks for always coming to my rescue. Andrea, thanks for listening(even though are usually stuck in the car so you don't have a choice). Michelle, thanks for showing me true friendship. Grandma, thanks for making me that sandwich even when you thought it was very impractical and thanks for taking care of me in general. Sandra, thanks for your all your guidance. Matt, thanks for your support.

Ok I realize there are a million more people I owe thanks to, but I think you get the gist. You have all impacted my life and I am a better person because of you.

Overcoming

Life is one giant roller coaster ride (I'm sure we've all heard that before, but it is true). We have trials and tribulations that are put in our way so that we can learn and grow from them. Almost as soon as we have learned from a hardship, another one is placed in our way. At times, it might seem so overwhelming and depressing,  but we have been blessed with something to help us through the darkness--Family. Our family is what makes everything worthwhile. They provide joy and laughter that makes life a little easier, they are the cheerleaders to encourage us to press forward, they the safety net that catches us when we fall, but most importantly they love unconditionally when we make mistakes. There comes a point in ones life when they seek to add to their family(the journey of finding ones eternal companion). We look for someone that fits right into our family, most of the time without even realizing it. We look for compatibility, but also for unique attributes that would make the family better for having that person around. When we think we have found that person, we make them an integral part of the family( meeting the whole family, spending holidays together, family meals, etc.). We have then added one more person that helps make life more enjoyable.

I'm struggling today because I finally realized the world is not that simple. I have the tendency to see the world in black and white, but I've been awoken to this giant area of gray. Not everything works out that simply. It's not always true that "the past is in the past" or people don't always believe that "everyone deserves a second chance". Life is messy, complicated, and yes, it is sometimes just UNFAIR. But we learn, we grow, and we continue to press forward.

I've been thinking about this song a lot lately. Don't focus on the drinking wine part because obviously I'm not advocating that, but it's a story of real relationships and the challenges that couples go through. Sometimes they are able to work through them, but other times not. I like this song because when pinned between family and the person you love, family wins out. In the end, he takes her home because that is where she belongs. It's pretty much a sad story, but a beautiful story of understanding nonetheless.
http://youtu.be/CPEBN2dVNUY

I just realized  that all these thoughts may not seem connected to the outside reader, but to me it makes perfect sense. Enjoy deciphering the emotions in my head

Compassion

We are always told to have compassion for others, to love others for their flaws and realize that we are only human. As I was in Yoga class this last week, the teacher was talking to us and helping us to relax into child's pose. I shifted into the pose and was really trying to let go off the stress I had been feeling, the teacher said, "this is your time to show compassion to yourself." I was taken aback. Do I take the time to show compassion to myself. Sometimes we focus so much on what we need to be doing for other people, that we let ourselves slip through the cracks. Now I'm not saying we need to be selfish, but I am saying we need to take sometime to tend to our own needs. I have been so stressed out with school, lack of sleep, my crazy schedule, etc, that I forgot to, as my Aunt calls it, "fill my bucket". When I lived with her at the start of last semester, she watched as I wouldn't go out on weekends or even see my friends because I had homework that I thought I had to get done right away. She always reminded me that if I don't remember to do stuff for me, that I will get burnt out and breakdown from the stress. Now that I am back at school, and diving into the same situation, I had to pause for a moment in yoga class and really think about what I need to do for me. Maybe it's sleeping in on Saturday instead of getting up early to study(thanks for the suggestion Bobby, it was really nice), or taking a dance class at a local studio, or even just giving myself enough time to cook a real meal. I need to start showing myself some real compassion because this semester is going to be a lot of work.

Labor Day Adventure

We went on a little adventure yesterday. I was supposed to be studying, instead we went to the Greek Festival near Forest Park. We couldn't find parking so we parked near the Rink parking lot in Forest Park and walked along the paths to find a way up to the road. I had never been in that area of the park before and couldn't help but think how beautiful it was. We crossed several bridges and walked through really lush areas. It was the perfect "scenic route" to the festival.

A Different Kind of Learning

As my classes have begun and actual learning is starting to take place, I have gained some knowledge of a different sort. You see, this is the first semester that I am living in a house on my own(technically I have roommates, but I mean away from my parents). Sure I've lived in an apartment last semester and before that I had lived all over the world, but it's not been quite the same as having my own home to take care of. I finally feel a sense of accomplishment and pride when it comes to where I live. I'm no longer living in a sketchy neighborhood and a crummy apartment. I live in a house with kids playing outside and Mama Josephine next door. Anyway, to get to the point, living on my own has given me to time to actually learn about myself. I'm not trying to say that I have amnesia and am trying to re-learn everything or something like that, but really get to know what I like or what I just ate because my parents put it in the fridge. It's kind of weird how that works out sometimes. So far I've learned:

1. I don't think I like grapes
2. I get crumbs everywhere when I eat crackers
3. I'm afraid of the garbage disposal. If something drops in it, there is no way my hand will be the one to retrieve it
4. I have a thing for dishes (it's like they are sacred to me or something)
5. I don't like quiet, I turn on music so I can pretend Andrea is just down the hall or my dad is in his room which leads me to the last thing
6. I like living with my family...I miss them

So It's not much, but once I found out I didn't like grapes I started keeping track to see what else I could learn about myself. After all, it's always a good thing to pause and have a little personal reflection at times.

The Science of Optimism

I realize I already wrote a post today, but something awesome happened so you will just have to deal with it. I was sitting on the plane coming back to school. I was tired...more like exhausted from being up for more then 24 hours. The lady in the seat next to me could not stop talking. I was getting a little more than slightly annoyed when she offered me one of her magazines to look at. I was more than happy to grab one and have an excuse not to talk anymore. It was a TIME magazine and the picture on the cover immediately grabbed my attention. The cover story was about the science of optimism. I turned to the page and began reading the article. It was quite fascinating. It basically said that optimism, even though not rational, may be hardwired in our brains. It also said that people who let their optimism flourish actually are better able to cope and see the "silver lining" in things and also do better in work and life in general. I was talking with Bobby before I left about being optimistic in regards to a promotion he had coming at work. He said that it was easier not to get his hopes up because he would never be let down that way. Obviously, being the ray of sunshine that I am ;), I tried to convince him otherwise. Today he has informed me that he did indeed get the promotion. I can't help but wonder if he took my advice and let some positive thinking slip in. And if so, maybe there is something we could all learn from being more optimistic in the everyday things that we do. Like today, I was very optimistic about finding a parking spot even though I couldn't see any open spaces. To make a long story short, I found a space. So is there really a science to this thing we call optimism?

Study Bug

So it's day 2 of school and I'm already feeling the little bug inside of me that has to dial in and put blinders up to everything else. Meaning I have to be the best in every class and out-do everyone. Geez that sounds ridiculous, but it's already begun. I have to remind myself that it's just school. As Matt used to remind me, C's get degrees too.

Random thoughts:

• I have some very challenging classes this year (my methods teacher tried to talk us into dropping his class because it is the hardest 300-level political science class ugh).
• I find it refreshing to be on campus when it's not snowing (although last semester was kind of magical). I love seeing all the fountains running and I like being able to wear shorts.
• I bought a SLU sweatshirt today at the campus store. I know I know, it's like a million degrees outside, but it was on sale and it was orange which happens to be my favorite color. Plus I figure I'm getting a head start on winter :)
• I just dropped my philosophy class because let's be real, that class was gonna suck jk
• I looked like an idiot today when we were going over the syllabus and it said fall break. I looked up and said "wait, we get a fall break?" yeah apparently I'm the only one that didn't know that.

Anyways school is going great so far and I feel like I finally know what I am doing (it only took me the entire last semester). I'm glad to be here and I'm excited to see what opportunities pop-up for me this semester.

Dubitable

I had a great first day of school. I found parking spot right away unlike at Cuesta. I found all my classes with ease. Apparently I looked as though I knew what I was doing because lost freshman kept approaching me and asking questions. I had time to eat a nice quiet lunch read a book. I reconnected with some friends from last semester and even made some new friends. Overall, today was a lot nicer than expected. I had a ton of doubts coming back to SLU. I couldn't eat or sleep or do anything. This weekend I had one meal, ONE MEAL..so unlike me. But once I walked onto campus and saw the red pepper plants used as accents in the landscaping, I knew that I made the right choice in coming back. This is my school and I am here to stay. That my friends is indubitable. In case you couldn't tell, dubitable/indubitable just became my favorite words. I had a teacher today that was having trouble saying them and I can't stop using them ever since :)

The way I was raised

I've never felt the need to post something like this until now, but I find it to be a very important lesson that I was taught. I was raised to be kind to others, to give them the benefit of doubt, and to withhold judgement. "Judge not, lest ye be judged," I believe those were the exact words my father used when quoting Christ. My dad always says it's his job to make judgements about people and trust me, growing up he made lots of judgements. But over the years, I've seen remarkable growth in him. He recently told me a story about meeting a stranger at the airport while waiting for my flight to arrive. The stranger was a woman, who was also waiting to pick up a family member. They began talking and my dad soon found out that she had a rather questionable career choice. Rather than judge her instantly, he withheld that judgement and just listened to her story. I look up to my father and his guidance that he gives me. So when he tells me a story like that, I listen and try to follow his example. Not everyone is going to lead the same life. We are all different and make different choices, but that doesn't give us the right to judge. A person's past should never hold them down from making a better future for themselves. I've come so far from where I once was and that wouldn't have happened if people didn't let me get over my past. So what I'm trying to say is thank you to everyone who has helped shape the person I am today.

Looking on the bright side

My apartment flooded, everyday I get closer to being a year older, I'm seriously breaking out from stress, I'm having trouble saving money for the next semester of tuition, but on the bright side I have some seriously low cholesterol. So I guess life isn't that bad...WooHoo...going to eat some fat with the doctors permission :)

Alice in Wonderland

I'm a huge fan if Alice in Wonderland. I have several editions of the book as well as various versions of the film. In the Disney version of the movie, there is a point where Alice finds herself lost in the Tulgey Woods. As she is walking along one path, it is being erased from behind her and then disappears completely. She has nowhere to go, she is wandering without a path. Lately I have felt like Alice when all her paths disappear. I have been traveling down a road that has just been erased for me. Am I devastated? Well sure, Who wouldn't be? The question is, What am I going to do now? Sometimes I just sit and pray that everything will go back to that way it used to be. After all, the hardest part is picking up your feet and moving on. I could sit and cry over what was lost like Alice, or I can...???? What's next, Do I wait for the Cheshire cat to come and save me or do I save myself?

Forever and Ever

I just recently came to understand just how much God knows each and every one of us personally. He knows my strengths and weaknesses and even my "soft spots". One on my soft spots is eternal families. I love my family more than anything and I couldn't imagine spending a minute without them. So when a talk was given at our stake conference on the subject, I sat upright and listened intently. The speaker asked us to grab the hand of someone we couldn't imagine eternity without. Without a pause, my dad scooped up all of our hands. Tears rolled down my face as I realized that my family loves me just as much as I love them. I couldn't tell if any other families were holding hands, but we sat there for the remainder of the talk hand-in-hand.

This past Sunday a lesson was given in Relied Society on the same subject and I cried as the opening song was being sung.

    " I have a family here on Earth. They are so good to me. I want to share my life with them through all              eternity. Families can be together forever through Heavenly Father's plan. I always want to be with my          own family and the Lord has shown me how I can."

Why does this topic make me so emotional? It's my family. My best friends. My personal cheerleaders. The people that make me laugh until it hurts. The people that give unconditional love. The people that will tell me the truth even when it hurts. The only people that know how to really make me angry. The only people that really KNOW me. I have been worried lately about what the future holds for me, but I know the one thing that remains constant is my family. I want to spend eternity with my family and I want to do everything to make that possible. A year ago I would have not even thought about going to the temple, but I think God has been slowly chiseling away my hard spots. Like I said, God knows our soft spots.

Check out Brinton Films at this link...love them

So I just watched the cutest and unique videos that I have ever seen. They capture wedding footage and families is such a remarkable way. Really check these guys out. My favorite videos are Lex and Loren and the Poulsen's family. Enjoy

http://vimeo.com/22897262

Some Favorite Weekend Pics

Slowing Down

I am a future oriented person. Always have been and probably always will be. I look forward to certain things and often find myself day-dreaming about the endless possibilities that the future holds. But with this imaginative outlook I find that I try to rush my life to pass certain milestones. You know the attitude that "I'll just be happy to finish this semester of school, I'll be happy when I finish college, I'll be happy when..." I think we all get this way sometimes, but I find myself thinking this way a lot. I forget to enjoy everything that happens along the way.I believe that Thomas S. Monson said "Find joy in the journey--Now." I try to remind myself that it's ok to slow down, ok to live a little, ok to still be in college, ok to just relax and enjoy my relationships. I need to stop rushing my life along and enjoy all the little things that happen day after day.

Home

I have been mulling around different ideas of what to do for the Summer. First I thought I was going to get this great paid internship, instead got rejected. Then I thought I was going to stay here and find work, not looking so good unless I want to be a stripper. And now I got presented with an opportunity to go home for the summer and take up my old job as a nanny.

When I left the job several years ago certain circumstances presented themselves that in a way forced me out of the job. I wasn't ready to leave and now I feel like I have a chance to make up for that. I feel so blessed to get a re-do. I love the family that I was a nanny for and I feel like we've only gotten closer over the years. I'm also excited to be able to get away from Missouri and the awful humid weather.

I find it fascinating that my whole life I couldn't wait to get out of the town I grew up in. I even started this blog to share my exciting adventures to new places. But now, the journey I am most looking forward to, is my journey home.