Fresh Start and a New Year

Wow, I was busy last semester. It's so nice to be able to breathe for a minute...even if it is just a minute. As I'm sure you have all heard, I missed my flight going home for Christmas. I got proud and thought I could stay up all night packing, sleep for 2 hours, and wake up in time for my 6:50 flight. That didn't quite happen. I didn't wake up until 6:40 and the airport was still 20 minutes away. I called my mom with tears thinking that I had massively messed up. I knew that it would probably cost me a fortune to get a new flight and I did not have the money for that. As my mom called the airline on my behalf, I frantically through my things together and headed out the door. While driving, I made up my mind that I would just stay in St. Louis by myself for the holidays rather than have my mom spend her money on my mistakes. I realized that she would pay any price for me to be able to come home and that I could not let her do. But then it hit me on a spiritual level. Can you make the connection? Yep that's right...the atonement finally clicked for me. Don't you just love it that Heavenly Father teaches us in a way that we can understand? In the end, I made the next flight for free thanks to an understanding rep from Southwest Airlines. But the lesson I learned that day was the most precious Christmas gift I could have gotten.

By the way, life is good. Big things are happening so stay tuned!

Tests, Tests, and more Tests

As I am heading into midterms, I have realized that personal responsibility is a huge aspect of college life. Teachers expect us to be self-motivated and to be prepared for what they throw at us. As much as they want us to pass the test, the student is the only one that actually has the ability to make that happen. In the same regard, life drops struggles off at our doorstep and we are expected to be prepared for them. We are expected to be prepared. I don't think I need to elaborate on that because it is ingrained by our family, mentors, Sunday school teachers, church leaders, etc. We know what we need to do to be prepared for life's challenges, it is up to us to do them.

I haven't had the best attitude about all these tests I have had to deal with in college. I feel like I am spending all my time preparing for the next test. I've found myself complaining a lot this week because I have spent so much time studying that I hardly have time for anything else. I just recently had an "ah ha" moment and thought about the purpose of a test. A test is given to help us learn. We learn as we study and prepare; we learn about ourselves as we take the test and how to prepare better next time; we also learn that we will get out of a test just as much as we put into it. I've tried to really absorb this idea into my mind so that I can have a positive attitude about midterms this coming week. I am in college to learn and ready myself for a future career. No one is forcing me to be there, I chose to go to college to better myself. Remember, we chose these life tests as well. Believe it or not, we all wanted them.

We are supposed to welcome these trials with open arms and a positive attitude. If we have confidence in ourselves and the preparation that we have made, we can pass any test that is thrown our way. Teachers are not going to give a test that can't be passed(at least we hope) so why would we expect any different from life. One of the greatest things that teachers try to tell us is to have a positive attitude that we can succeed. I took a test yesterday and the teacher wrote this on the board:

"Words of Encouragement - I passed the test!"

She wanted us to believe in ourselves and all the preparation we had made prior to the test. I smiled and realized that our attitude makes all the difference. And guess what? The test seemed a whole lot easier after that. Our instinct is to want to associate negative thoughts with trials and challenges and changing our mindset is hard, believe me, I know. I was once told that if I could achieve this paradigm shift with the way I look at certain things, then life would not necessarily be easier, but it would seem that way and I would be much happier in the process. I saw a quote today and I found it helpful:

"It's not what you look at that matters, it's what you see." - Henry David Thoreau

Life is about being prepared for the burdens that will surely come, having a positive attitude when they arrive, and learning something in the process.

Where I Needed to Be

At last minute I decided to join a group of girls that was heading to Nauvoo, Illinois for a YSA Conference this past weekend. I was scared, timid, and absolutely unsure of what I was getting myself into. The moment I sighted the temple, all of my fears were erased. I could feel the spirit of such rich and wonderdul history that surrounds Nauvoo. I felt like these past few years of my life had guided me to that exact moment of amazment when I stood in front of the temple. Wow, just wow. It was as if someone knocked the wind out me, everything just made sense.

Our group of 4 women bonded extremely quickly and we found out that we all shared common ground and we could all relate. And let me tell you, we had an extreme amount of fun. We danced(or should I say suffled?) everywhere we went, we swam in pool while firemen were activiely searching the hotel for the source of a potential fire, we made the exodus to wal-mart to grab food, we made an "amanda taco", and the list goes on.

The actual conference consisted of a dance each night(that was culture shock lol), 3 workshops in the morning, freetime during which we went to Carthage Jail(best decision ever), and sacrament meeting in the morning. I learned so much and I feel like I can't even write it all down because it was just so incredible. The best way to describe my weekend is to say that the spirit was present and because of that, I was able to learn what I needed to learn.

Here are some fav pics from our temple photo shoot in the rain lol

And for all of you who actually read this in my family, I have already made the decision to go back next year. I would like to go as a family so that we can all go in the temple together. This is a really big deal for me and I'm treating it that way. So I'm going to do what I need to do to get there and so should you. Be there  September 2012 or be square jk, I'd still love you if you couldn't make it.

Failed, but it was Awesome!

Last week I had a day that I just couldn't get anything right. I couldn't come up with an acceptable topic for my research paper, I didn't understand the reading in my theology class, etc. To make matters worse, that night I went and auditioned for the hip hop team. For those of you who know me, dance is probably my favorite thing in the world. I'm not the best dancer, but I can usually pick up choreography pretty easily. I was kind of looking forward the the auditions because I figured it would cheer me up and make me feel like I was at least good at something...but no...failed that too. It was bad. When it came time to be recorded...yes actually recorded on camera...I froze. I could see the other girls in my group but I could not move. After it was over, I just smiled and walked out. I was horrified at the situation. Not only did I mess up, but they had it on tape(can anyone say youtube's funniest videos?). But when I got home that night I just started laughing. I laughed so hard because I realized the world didn't end because of my failure. It was ok that I had an off day, it was ok that I wasn't the best at everything, in fact, it's ok to downright be the worst at something. I really needed this lesson in humility and surprisingly I am grateful for my failure. What I learned...just laugh it off.

Family and Friends

Four years ago on this day, I made the most difficult decision of my life. One that changed the outcome of my life forever. Today I have been thinking back to the person that I was back then and all the challenges I had to overcome to be able to make such a decision. I know that none of it would have been possible without the love and support of my family and friends.

I remember setting foot in Kentucky and being emotionally lost and afraid of what laid ahead. I arrived during a storm and I'm sure that didn't help settle any fears. Not sure what I would encounter, I was hesitant to leave my aunt's house. If it had not been for my Aunt, I probably would have stayed in bed during the duration of my stay in Kentucky. One night she actually arranged for me to out to the movies with some people from church that were my age. I had a blast that night and the people I went with welcomed me with open arms. I never once felt out of place or that I didn't belong. I am so lucky to have such amazing and wonderful people in my life. I think back to those times and I smile(it took me a long time to get to this point).  Thank you to all you Kentuckians for making that part of my life bearable so that today, those aren't sad memories, they are ones of love, bonding, and friendship.

I am so grateful to everyone who had a hand in helping me to where I am today. Angel, thanks for making me talk. Mom and Dad, thanks for always coming to my rescue. Andrea, thanks for listening(even though are usually stuck in the car so you don't have a choice). Michelle, thanks for showing me true friendship. Grandma, thanks for making me that sandwich even when you thought it was very impractical and thanks for taking care of me in general. Sandra, thanks for your all your guidance. Matt, thanks for your support.

Ok I realize there are a million more people I owe thanks to, but I think you get the gist. You have all impacted my life and I am a better person because of you.

Overcoming

Life is one giant roller coaster ride (I'm sure we've all heard that before, but it is true). We have trials and tribulations that are put in our way so that we can learn and grow from them. Almost as soon as we have learned from a hardship, another one is placed in our way. At times, it might seem so overwhelming and depressing,  but we have been blessed with something to help us through the darkness--Family. Our family is what makes everything worthwhile. They provide joy and laughter that makes life a little easier, they are the cheerleaders to encourage us to press forward, they the safety net that catches us when we fall, but most importantly they love unconditionally when we make mistakes. There comes a point in ones life when they seek to add to their family(the journey of finding ones eternal companion). We look for someone that fits right into our family, most of the time without even realizing it. We look for compatibility, but also for unique attributes that would make the family better for having that person around. When we think we have found that person, we make them an integral part of the family( meeting the whole family, spending holidays together, family meals, etc.). We have then added one more person that helps make life more enjoyable.

I'm struggling today because I finally realized the world is not that simple. I have the tendency to see the world in black and white, but I've been awoken to this giant area of gray. Not everything works out that simply. It's not always true that "the past is in the past" or people don't always believe that "everyone deserves a second chance". Life is messy, complicated, and yes, it is sometimes just UNFAIR. But we learn, we grow, and we continue to press forward.

I've been thinking about this song a lot lately. Don't focus on the drinking wine part because obviously I'm not advocating that, but it's a story of real relationships and the challenges that couples go through. Sometimes they are able to work through them, but other times not. I like this song because when pinned between family and the person you love, family wins out. In the end, he takes her home because that is where she belongs. It's pretty much a sad story, but a beautiful story of understanding nonetheless.
http://youtu.be/CPEBN2dVNUY

I just realized  that all these thoughts may not seem connected to the outside reader, but to me it makes perfect sense. Enjoy deciphering the emotions in my head

Compassion

We are always told to have compassion for others, to love others for their flaws and realize that we are only human. As I was in Yoga class this last week, the teacher was talking to us and helping us to relax into child's pose. I shifted into the pose and was really trying to let go off the stress I had been feeling, the teacher said, "this is your time to show compassion to yourself." I was taken aback. Do I take the time to show compassion to myself. Sometimes we focus so much on what we need to be doing for other people, that we let ourselves slip through the cracks. Now I'm not saying we need to be selfish, but I am saying we need to take sometime to tend to our own needs. I have been so stressed out with school, lack of sleep, my crazy schedule, etc, that I forgot to, as my Aunt calls it, "fill my bucket". When I lived with her at the start of last semester, she watched as I wouldn't go out on weekends or even see my friends because I had homework that I thought I had to get done right away. She always reminded me that if I don't remember to do stuff for me, that I will get burnt out and breakdown from the stress. Now that I am back at school, and diving into the same situation, I had to pause for a moment in yoga class and really think about what I need to do for me. Maybe it's sleeping in on Saturday instead of getting up early to study(thanks for the suggestion Bobby, it was really nice), or taking a dance class at a local studio, or even just giving myself enough time to cook a real meal. I need to start showing myself some real compassion because this semester is going to be a lot of work.